Friday, December 4, 2015

dear december

Dear December,

I used to love you. 

You meant a two week break. You meant family. You meant Christmas trees and hot chocolate and twinkling lights. You meant snow on occasion and hats, mittens, scarves and sweaters. You meant feasts and gatherings and friends.

You were joyful.

Now you are something else altogether.
You usher in a season of grief.
You make that ocean between us feel even bigger. 

Three years, almost to the day.

His death day.

1,095 days.

Maybe one day, you will stop haunting me December.
For weeks before you arrive, I feel you creeping in.
Along with you, you bring sleepless nights, dreadful memories and so much anger.

I loved him enough that I will probably always be angry.
Because it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

This is not what December is for.

He was cheated.
I was cheated.
We were all cheated.

This week, I wanted to tell him I paid off my student loans.
This fall, I wanted to ask for his advice on our finances. 
Last summer, I wanted to tell him Sean got a job.
Last spring, I wanted to tell him Sean graduated.
Last winter, I wanted to show him all of my pictures of New Zealand.
Last last year, I wanted to tell him about my running.
Last last last year, I wanted to tell him that moving to Taiwan is the awesome adventure that he thought it would be.

Every day, every single day, I wish for the chance to tell him that I love him. And that just doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

Loss has changed me.
It has rewritten my priorities.
Many people my age lust after money and prestige.
Not me though. All I want is time to live my life.
It has stolen future promises.
We want to have a kid in the next few years, a kid he will never meet.

This is the third December without him.
I can't imagine it will ever feel the way it did-- before.
I can't imagine ever ushering in the season with the same eagerness and anticipation as those around me.

Sure, I put up our little Christmas tree.
I bought some presents.
I even wrapped them.

And day to day, I feel much better than I did three Decembers ago.

But I think this time of year has been forever marred for me.
And, inexplicably, that feels like a kind of secondary loss I still need to grieve.





(You can read more about my dad here)

2 comments

  1. Christmas, birthdays are always so hard and the pain never goes away you just learn how to live with it. In time it does get easier. Make the most of Christmas as I am sure he will be watching over you and wanting you to be happy.

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    1. Now that the day has passed, I am finding it easier to be happy an cheerful. It's so bizarre, but I dread that day as if it will be the day he died all over again. Grief does fun things to people. That is for sure.

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